Falling
by ederyn
Summary: Eiri has an epiphany about Tohma on an important anniversary.


•

He's here.

How does he always find me? No matter where I go I can't get away from his smothering presence.

"Eiri-san! What are you doing?"

_Sharp as ever._ "I'm thinking of joining the circus and I'm practicing tightrope walking. What the hell does it look like I'm doing, you idiot?"

He stares at me with that combination of worry, anger and lust that's become his signature expression of late, then takes a big gulp of air as he answers. "It looks like you're balancing precariously on the ledge of a 20 story skyscraper in the heart of New York City in the middle of the night, Eiri-san."

And that's exactly what I'm doing: balancing on the ledge lining the roof of the building where everything ended for me. I teeter along the cement catwalk in the dark, using my arms the way an acrobat would use umbrellas to balance himself. It's not working very well, but I haven't fallen so far. Not that I'd care if I did. The fact that I'm indifferent to my own safety is tormenting him no end and I know it, but I feel like punishing him. Why? I'm not quite sure. For taking away my toys as a child when he thought they'd hurt me. For controlling every aspect of my existence. For making me hate him. For making me love him.

Control.

Maybe that's what this is all about. This is one time when he can't control the action. I'm in charge for a change, and I love wielding that kind of power over him.

I wobble carelessly along the ledge, gazing down on the cars below. They look like fireflies from this distance. We're easily 60 meters above a very busy intersection, and I wonder if anyone has even noticed we're up here. There's no cessation in the continuous flow of ants marching below us, so I suppose not. In the big scheme of things, we don't matter. "Come and join me, Seguchi. The view is spectacular." I lose my balance for an instant, and juggle my arms back and forth to steady myself while Tohma sucks in a gasp.

"Eiri-san, please come down. I'm begging you; please take my hand."

I slap his hand away and nearly topple over the side in doing so. He draws in another breath and learns a lesson--he won't offer his hand again. I know it. He's wearing white tonight, as if he came here to be my guardian angel, and I'm sure that's exactly how he pictures himself. My savior. A compassionate father figure trying to lure the prodigal son off the roof where he's courting disaster.

"Eiri-san, have you been drinking?"

_Heh. Have I been drinking? Would any fool be out here tempting fate like this if he hadn't been drinking?_ "Yeah, I've been drinking. Drinking, smoking and doing drugs, if you want the full story. Do you have any idea where we are? Do you know what day this is, Seguchi?"

He wracks his brain for a moment, then looks around for something familiar, wondering. He ought to know...I can see him beating himself up for the omission in his memory. He's never seen this building from this angle, however, and it takes him a moment to recognize something on the street below.

"Eiri-san? Is this...Kitazawa's building?"

Yeah, this is Kitazawa's building. I can't tell if he can see the slight nod of my head but I don't really give a rat's ass about whether I'm making myself clear to him. Why is he here at all? Yeah, I know--because he loves me. How can anyone love a loser like me? There's something seriously wrong with Seguchi if he can maintain such a complete adoration for a cruel, sadistic bastard like me after all these years.

"Today is the day he died, Seguchi. The anniversary of the day I killed him. I fell for him once, and now I'm marking the occasion. Heh heh. Get it? I fell for him." I laugh like a sick hyena while Tohma tries to plaster a phony smile on his puss. It's not working very well, but he wants to be seen agreeing with me in the hope that I'll trust his judgment and come down like a good boy. I hate that he still sees me as a child to be manipulated. When will we ever stand on even ground together? I thought things had leveled out in the cemetery, but all it did was destroy another piece of his soul. Someday there'll be nothing left where Tohma Seguchi used to be but the shattered fragments of his broken heart. I'm to blame for that, I suppose, and it's killing me.

"Eiri-san, you aren't to blame for what happened. I am. I'm sorry I didn't choose someone better than Kitazawa. He came so highly recommended; I was impressed with his credentials. I should have paid attention to the man, not the sheet of paper. I was distracted by something else. He had something I wanted desperately--your affection, your love. I was so jealous, and it blinded me to what was important. It was all my fault. Now please come down before you get hurt. Please, Eiri-san?"

Eiri-san. I never call him Tohma-san. Why does he call me Eiri-san? Always so polite and proper, keeping everyone at a respectful distance with just a name. I'm surprised he's confessed so much to me, but I suppose he'd say anything now to get me down off this roof. Or maybe it's just a continuation of his eternal quest to wheedle control little by little, calling almost every day and dropping in uninvited--checking up on me as if I were still 16 and can't handle my own life. I look over the side at the ants scurrying up and down the street on their way to the nightclubs or the restaurants or wherever the hell they're going. Nothing makes a dent in the endless monotony of their marching. If I fell twenty stories into their midst, would they even notice?

I'm about to find out as I lose my balance unexpectedly after too sharp a turn at the corner of the roof. Oh, hell...I didn't want to die. What the fuck was I thinking fooling around up here? Heh, this is the perfect way to go, though. There's nothing more comical than a moron falling off a roof. I give Seguchi a last piteous look as my weight keels over to such a degree that I'll never be able to recover my balance.

He looks at me with an expression of true terror--perhaps the first honest emotion I've seen in his face ever. With fevered urgency he lunges forward and grabs my wrist just as I'm about to topple over the side. I heave a sigh of relief as I land safely on the roof on my ass, but I'd never give him the satisfaction of knowing he saved my life beyond a sarcastic note of thanks. "Heh. I guess I owe you one, Seguchi." There's only silence, and I turn toward the ledge to look into those blue green eyes for some indication of reproach. "Tohma?" There's nothing on the roof but me and his ridiculous rabbi hat. He's nowhere in sight, and I get off my ass to look over the side of the building where I now see the ants below gathering around something white on the pavement.

The bastard.

I'm alone on the roof, truly alone for the first time in my life. There will be no more calls, no more uninvited visits. No more checking up on me to see if I've eaten anything today. No more control or manipulation. Kitazawa's ghost must be laughing right now.

Seguchi fell for me long ago, and I discover something, to my absolute horror: I've fallen for him. The only thing wanting is to make it official. I'm just drunk enough to plop his silly hat on my head and do something I never thought I'd do in my life.

I follow him somewhere.

•


End file.
